Another Shoe

Pumpkin Hearts

2006-11-08T01:50:17Z

Saturday we went to my friend's house and made pumpkin seeds. My sweetie took the pumpkin and carved me a beautiful heart. It was sweet.

Grocery Shopping

2006-10-01T19:03:29Z

I forgot to mention that two weeks ago, when my beau arrived at my home with a rose, I was sitting in my bedroom window ovewrlooking the parking area. He stuck the rose in his teeth and climbed up the fire escape under the window to come in. I laughed (and wondered if my neignbors noticed).

Last night we went to the grocery store to get something for dinner.

We danced in the frozen foods aisle and the half-danced half-skipped through the rest of the store.

I love being carefree. I love the many smiles. I love being able to be exactly who I am. I love being happy.

For MagicPointeShoes

2006-09-30T23:14:11Z

So flattered was I by your comment that I decided it was high time for another list.

First though, my school year schedule has taken it's toll on things. It has been a tough adjustment. Yet, I know that my beau is committed. It's just that there are evenings when I have to remind myself to be in the moment and not in the endless list of things I have to do or the latest drama at work. It's been hard on me. I miss the spontanaeity and the stress sometimes causes me to be hypersensitive to little things. And yet, this is how the school year always is for me and so I know it is even more difficult for him. His schedule hasn't changed. His life hasn't changed. He has mentioned that it has been hard. Yet he does it with a smile and a kiss and an attitude that says that he knows relationships go through phases and that he thinks this one is worth sticking through the less than ideal times because the great moments are truly great.

Two weekends ago, he made a comment about us not doing enough- that he needed a change from the hanging around my place weekend routine. I didn't take it well, but it did get me thinking. Last weekend I was away at school all weekend so I made a point today of asking him what he wanted to do. He said that he knew I'd been running around like crazy for two weeks and so he was perfectly okay with a low-key weekend. Yet another reminder that I am finally with someone who is capable of determining my needs and truly wants to meet them.

So let's go back a bit to after that difficult weekend. And just so you know, there was no fight and later, after I was in a better place, I talked with him about my fears and worries and he really heard me. So it is good.

1. He calls me "a keeper".
2. And tells me I'm beautiful even when I'm sweaty and have pimples and my big belly is there in plain sight.
3. He means it. You can tell.
4. He told me he loved me.
5. My friend was pressuring him.
6. He remembered all my little rules about the appropriate time for that first "I love you."
7. He told me it was okay for me not to say it back.
8. I didn't say it for a good long while after that.
9. He gave me my space.
10. About a week later, I finally told him I loved him.
11. We joked about the bit of awkwardness.
12. Later, he said he's been wanting to tell me for a long time, but he knew I wasn't ready.
13. He got a truck.
14. He offers to drive all the time even though he really can't afford the gas.
15. He brings me little gifts every time he comes to my house- more roses, pens, beer.
16. Every time I have a work thing, he says it's no problem and he means it.
17. He lets me hit snooze a million times in the morning.
18. The first time, he opens up his arms so that I can curl up on his shoulder.
19. That's why I keep hitting it.
20. He never complains about it even though it messes up his sleep.
21. After meeting him, my stepmom called my dad to say how great he was.
22. He offers to cook me dinner a lot.
23. And says he'd make me lunch every day if we lived together.
24. He makes lunches for himself.
25. He remembers all my favorite lunch things.
26. He doesn't mind when I steal one of his steak tips.
27. He still starts dancing with me randomly.
28. His friends couldn't get over us.
29. I haven't seen them since our days of hiding.
30. They said they've never seen him so "lovey".
31. They planned a surprise party and he told them he couldn't go (because it was a school night and he didn't want to keep me out).
32. I insisted on going.
33. I didn't have to ask him to leave. He left on his own when it started getting late.
34. He didn't make me feel guilty about it.
35. Or make his friends feel like I was the problem.
36. We went to his folks house again.
37. He danced with me in their kitchen.
38. And fixed my plate even though it's "women's work."
39. He doesn't try to put me "in my place" to make his folks happy.
40. He went errand running with me.
41. Everything was more fun with him there.
42. He talks about growing old together.
43. We bought "Guitar Hero" for Playstation and rocked out.
44. He is a rock star.
45. I play him Frank Sinatra now.
46. And then we text the lyrics to each other.
47. We belt out songs in the car.
48. I've never done that with anyone.
49. I never think he'll make fun of me.
50. And it's so freeing.
51. I've started sticking up for myself at work.
52. I know that being with him is making me stronger.
53. Sometimes I want to cry when I'm with him.
54. Happy tears.
55. My heart feels like it might explode.

Still Good

2006-09-28T02:55:21Z

Work and school are keeping me busy.

Everything is good.

I need to relax more and I'm trying to live in the moment instead of worrying about what needs to be done. He is loving me for who I am and has gotten used to my stress.

We talked about a bad weekend and he is still great and we can still talk and we don't get angry and things get resolved.

This has been my worst year ever at work and I told him that too because I think it explains some of the stress.

We had fun at a little surprise party for him and he successfully met my stepmom (she loved him) and his parents want to plan a vacation around my schedule and we still talk marriage and babies and future with the little disclaimers.

There are moments when I am unsure but mostly I feel like he intends to spend forever with me and I am content.

He still hasn't stopped looking at me. And I love it.

Happy Week

2006-09-12T23:44:26Z

A list of happenings (list items may be long):

1. On the fifth, we told his folks about my daughter.
2. He was good to me.
3. His parents took it well.
4. He wasn't satisfied because he is so okay with it and wants them to be, too.
5. The family was a little weirded out by his silliness.
6. Him: I'm deliriously happy and it makes me a little childlike.
7. Lots of little moments- school takes away a lot of the fun, but it is still good.
8. Friday I was really stressed.
9. He handled it well.
10. We went birthday shopping for my daughter.
11. He's so incredibly patient.
12. And understanding.
13. I was away all weekend.
14. It made him sad.
15. We tried to move my couch down the hill to the street.
16. I told him he was pushing the weight on me.
17. Turns out it was just too heavy for me.
18. He didn't bat an eyelash at my whininess.
19. He moved the couch himself (I helped a little).
20. Then he carried me back up the hill.
21. He took the comb away from me and combed my hair for me.
22. We curled up for my shows.
23. Yesterday, he brought me another rose....and chocolate (he checked three different stores for my chocolate).
24. He really can't afford to but he does it anyway.
25. When I got a little snippy about him wanting me to drive out of my way, he later apologized for being inconsiderate.
26. We walked down the road to go out to dinner.
27. And held hands.
28. And enjoyed each other.
29. When I mentioned a sister he'll never meet, he said he'd have to meet her eventually.
30. I told him she's not invited to my wedding.
31. He said his parents still want me to go on vacation with them.
32. He said he's going to come to my school and tell the kids that I'll be Mrs. H************** soon.
33. He's not happy that I don't want to change my name.
34. Did I tell you how strong his shoulders are?
35. Or how soft his skin is?
36. I still get sweet text messages.
37. He still tells me I'm beautiful.
38. His birthday is Thursday.
39. I'm stumped.

Texting Poetry

2006-09-04T22:00:00Z

Him: u r good
Me: huh?
Him: u r good, to me
Him: u r good, to touch, to see
Me: muah
Him: muah

Bragging

2006-09-04T21:58:38Z

He visited his grandma.

She had friends over.

He decided to brag about me to make grndma happy.

Grandma's friends told him to hang on to me.

He told them he planned to.

On the Same Page

2006-09-04T21:57:26Z

So I had plans a couple Tuesdays ago and my beau was considering calling a female friend to go to 80s night.

I gave him the okay but he was still deep in thought.

Finally he decided against it.

He put himself in my shoes and decided that he wouldn't like it much if I went to a club with a guy he'd never met.

I do that, too.

I was impressed.

Real Roses

2006-09-03T19:02:10Z

My good friend wants me to marry this guy and I finally admitted IRL that I was thinking it, too.

The week was busy. I'm back to school.

Still, we saw each other every day even though we hadn't planned it that way.

Wednesday I planned to stay home but he planned a special night. I ended up having a really bad day at work so I was glad.

We went to a local restaurant for prime rib night. His treat. He said he was prepared to drop any amount necessary on me that night because I'm always taking him out and he's just so happy.

It was a gazing into each others eyes kind of night.

He had a chat with one of his roommates and came to the realization that he was actually with a girl that he really trusted.

The whole night was sweet.

Friday he did me some favors (daytime errands) and then showed up at my house with a rose to honor my first week of school (with kids). We enjoyed a quiet evening and a quiet Saturday.

Last night we had dinner at my friend's house. She loves him. We have fun hanging out with her and her beau.

My friend's beau mentioned at the end of the night that my beau and I are so obviously in love. We both just smiled.

Today he came up to me and put his hands on my face and gently kissed each part- "I love your cheeks....I love your jawbone....I love your ears...." and then returned to what he was doing.

He told me that he likes to be gentle with me.

I like it when he's gentle with me.

Amoebas

2006-08-28T02:01:29Z

Him: Imagine if instead of having kids the regular way, they just sort of split off you like amoebas?
(lots of sound effects and giggling and funny demonstrations)

Eventually it turned into instant clones and there were a whole bunch of us and we were all still dating each other (all the emmas were with all the hims) and we said we'd make the whole world sick cuz we'd be everywhere and then I said that people would start asking us to produce clones of him so they could date him, too and then he said

Him: But then you'd make another you and we'd be together and I'd say sorry, I'm with her.

Does it get any more romatic than that?

Me: (getting up to use the restroom at the restaurant) Can I leave my purse here?
Me: (kiss, kiss) Now you can steal my money.
Him: (pointing to my chest) The only thing I want to steal is that.

So then when I came back I made a joke about taking off my shirt so I could give it to him like he asked and he started laughing because he planned to use the same joke on me (I didn't mean your heart, I meant your shirt!)

In the car, at a red light:
Him: If you keep looking at me like that, you'll never have to worry about losing me.

Because this weekend I was stressed and I told him.

Breakfast In Bed

2006-08-26T23:08:52Z

Thursday....

chocolate strawberry crepes
woken up with kisses

I don't want summer to end.

Happy Things

2006-08-22T01:08:21Z

My last post is a big mess so I decided it was time for another list:

1. I like that we hold hands when we walk.

2. I like the way he angles his head whenever I walk by so I can kiss his cheek.

3. I like the way he listens.

4. I like the way he responds to what I need.

5. I like his check-ins.

6. I like his shoulders.

7. I like that he will randomly dance with me in public places.

8. I like that some of his DJing includes opera.

9. I like the way he gets into the opera and classical tunes that he plays.

10. I like the way he comes up behind me to hug me.

11. I like his random silliness.

12. I like the way so much gentleness comes out of so much strength.

13. I like the way he watches me.

14. I like his pet names.

15. I still like the way he brushes my hair away.

16. I still like his long gazes.

We stopped for coffee on the drive home yesterday and a random stranger said "Hey, enough of that" as she smiled our way. We were busy laughing and being happy to be aware of anything around us.

Full Head, Warm Heart

2006-08-21T23:53:59Z

These incredible weekends are too much.

Last night I wanted to cry. Happy tears.

I've also wanted to write all weekend so I'm trying to remember all that I wanted to say and all of the things that have been going through my mind.

I stayed home a couple days last week to do homework (and it's why I'm home now) but I've done very little homework. I ended up unpacking and cleaning mostly.

I've mentioned before that I'm afraid of making the same mistakes I always make. At the beginning of the summer, I told my friends and family to check back with me in three months to see if I still liked this guy.

I know what I do.

I fall hard and fast and think that this guy is perfect and then after three months, I start to get tired of him and even though I often stay, eventually I become physically repulsed by the guy and am left wondering what I was thinking. Most of the guys I've dated, I've stayed friends with. They fall hard and fast, too. I usually keep the feelings to myself (the only person I've said I love you to in the past seven years at least other than my fiance is my daughter's birthfather) but the guys never do and while I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging (trust me, these guys are nothing to brag about) most of them still want to be with me. And so I was worried (and still am) that I would do the same thing- tell everyone how great this guy is and then feel silly when a few months later, I couldn't stand him.

I've been especially worried because I know I didn't give myself any time in between relationships. I once read that going too quickly into a new relationship never works because you end up with someone who meets only those needs you were lacking in the last relationship and not someone who meets all your relationship needs. Plus there's that whole issue of avoiding the heartbreak of being alone. I'm still worried about that and it's been in my mind a lot lately.

While I was unpacking (see I mentioned that for a reason) I emptied a box containing all of my old diaries. I wrote in a diary every day from age 12 to age 17 and then sporadically after that so I have a lot of life written down. The really old stuff was mostly embarassing (though also a bit scary to see how little I've progressed since age 12 as far as relationships go). The college and post college stuff was the most interesting. There are probably only about 20 entries for the eleven years since high school but I captured some key moments and some is still fresh enough to remember.

I'm trying to figure out if I've really grown.

In some ways it is really clear. In that year after college I was severely depressed and mostly I wrote because I was in so much pain. Those were hard to read but they did show me that I've come a long way in dealing with my demons. Yet even then I was able to identify all the unhealthy ways I handled romantic relationships- even going so far as to write entries like "Yeah I know that last week he called me psycho, but our relationship has really grown as a result" or something like that. And then I'd go on to write about how this guy was the greatest thing since sliced bread and that we really connected and so on and so on.

Interruption: I just wrote a big long thing deconstructing some previous relationships and besides deciding it was too much for this place I feel a little better. But back to my thinking.....

This bit of reflection was really on my mind this weekend. Some was the looking back. Some was the happiness of the weekend. I felt vulnerable this weekend- swept up, soft, emotional. And last night I couldn't stop thinking.

But let me get back to the good stuff.

I went back to work today so at some point last week we decided to spend the whole weekend at my place. We made some little plans but nothing too final other than a trip to see my daughter yesterday (her mom's idea, BTW). Dancing Friday, a surprise on Saturday, the visit on Sunday.

I picked him up Friday afternoon and we went to the grocery store to get dinner fixins. I let him choose between the only two meals I can actually make and he picked the easier of the two- spaghetti with meatsauce. As we left, he suggested wine so we stopped for a bottle of my favorite and headed back to my house.

He offered to help but my kitchen only fits one so we poured the wine and he did his thing while I made dinner. It was peaceful and dinner was romantic.

After miscellaneous activities and cleanup, we left for dancing.

He likes to DJ our trips with his ipod. The soundtrack Friday? "Love Song" by the Cure and Frank Sinatra's "The Way You Look Tonight". There were so many- he always plays me love songs. Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon"...all kinds of mainstream and obscure- he always finds the perfect songs and he's slowly begun to belt them out as we drive along. I love it.

We arrived at the club early(Rock N Roll Night, BTW) so we sat in the car for a bit. He looked at me all serious and asked if I'd mind if he called me his girlfriend- said it's been bothering him. So of course I said yes (even with all that other stuff going on in my head) and he was excited. He hasn't come down yet from his excitement, but I'll share more of that later. And then we danced.

We left a little early and slept in the next morning. I made French Toast and we had a nice breakfast. One of my friends came by for coffee so we chatted. Then we just had a lazy day- watching Pete's Dragon, playing Star Wars Legos, dancing, singing, cuddling. He had wanted to take me to one of his favorite spots that night- said he wanted some memories of me there- but his brother called so we went there instead.

We walked in, my beau grins and says "So you remember my girlfriend, *****?" and I swear it was like he announced our engagement. It was big news to them (and today he told his parents and grandparents....meanwhile, my friends have been calling him my boyfriend all along) and it was sort of funny. When I thought about it, I realized that he probably hasn't had a girlfriend in a good five years and that he's probably only had two or three in his life so I understood the fuss a bit more. And at some point over the weekend, he made a comment about not messing it up.

Sunday we went to see my daughter. I was really nervous. I wasn't really that happy to be bringing him there so soon, but my daughter's mom sort of pushed for it and I figured they probably wanted to meet him as much as I wanted them to meet him. I've met his family, but he hasn't met any of mine because none of them live here anymore. I want the seal of approval from more than just a couple friends. It went fine. He was a little quiet because he was worried about saying the wrong thing and he said he really wanted them to like him. When they got each of us alone, they asked me if he thought our situation was weird and they asked him if he still talked to my ex-fiance. Overall, it was nice. I'm curious what they thought.

On the drive home, I had a lot to think about. I was still thinking about the visit and I was thinking about how this guy's perspective on my birthmother status is different from the other people in my life-including friends and family. I was then thinking a lot about how our relationship is different from my previous ones and trying to decide if our relationship is a healthy one.

I am really falling for this guy. Every time I'm with him, I can't help imagining a future with him. It's scary and thrilling at the same time.

I have so much on my mind....but in a good way.

As You Wish

2006-08-16T18:12:30Z

Him: As you wish.
(giggles. kisses. other random sentences.)
Me: You know what "as you wish" really means?
Him: (big grin) I know what it means.

We're still making people sick.

I do feel the honeymoon ending. I no longer feel the need to spend every spare moment with him. I actually want to spend quiet time at home or pursuing my own thing. Together, we spend some of our time doing our own thing.

But it's still so good.

We went out to dinner on Monday night and spent much of dinner making conversation about (hypothetical) marriage and future plans. He actually referred to me as his girlfriend in a silly story but later went on to say that he's just going to wait until he goes to introduce me to someone and just naturally introduces me as his girlfriend.

Some of the talk was inspired by the fact that our only other trip to that restaurant was while I still lived with my fiance and we recalled the phone calls we both received while out at that dinner.

These days it feels like that was so long ago.

We talked about how we'd never live together unless we ended up getting married- his rent is too cheap for him to ever give it up and it isn't a place I'd move into.

The conversations are cautious and filled with disclaimers but we smile at each other- both feeling the fast fall and knowing the other is feeling it too- that sense that maybe everything I've ever looked for is right here along with the still uncertain feeling that we both fully intend to do this in a healthy way so that we talk about problems instead of sweeping them under the rug until the pile is so big that someone gets hurt.

We're both nervous- weighted down by our previous relationships and our knowledge of our own relationship weaknesses.

Last night he had a mini-meltdown as he asked (again) that I please make sure to tell him when something bothers me because he's afraid I'm the type not to say anything hoping it'll blow over.

He said someday he's going to get married and he's going to have bad days and he might not be able to talk about it right then but that he still wants to talk about it.

Later, with one of those sorry-I-know-that-was-out-of-the-blue comments, he said that it just feels so good with me that it doesn't seem like it could be real- it's too good.

Yup, I know that feeling.

And then we tried a new karaoke place to celebrate my last week of freedom and made everyone sick with our absolute preoccupation with each other and got a kick out of the fact that if either of us left the other alone, we were immediately hit on.

It was nice to be there, out with him, because it felt like the beginning. In places like that I get to see the strong, manly, charismatic, in-control side of him that I like. Part of the progression of our relationship is that I am more likely these days to see those remnants of his inner geek or the vulnerable side of a man who is deciding whether or not to allow himself to fall in love. So it's nice to be reminded of the confidence that first attracted me to him. I've never liked being with someone who is too dependent on me for happiness and it seems like it always ends up that way so I was happy to see that balance.

We actually did a lot yesterday. I promised myself that I would allow myself to enjoy my last few days of vacation rather than getting stressed out about the fact that it's almost over so I picked him up from work and we played frisbee and ate hotdogs and watermelon and enjoyed each other's company.

We've been planning our weekend. Dancing on Friday. A surprise on Saturday. Visit with my daughter on Sunday.

I'm happy.

On Feeling Beautiful

2006-08-14T21:38:13Z

My new beau is always telling me how beautiful I am. It is spontaneous and genuine and he often just looks at me and after a long time will tell me I'm beautiful or that I have a pretty face or something.

I know he is attracted to me. I have no doubt of that.

Still I don't often feel beautiful and lately I really haven't felt beautiful. I have a height-challenged post-baby body which means that from breast to knee I have a bunch of mushiness that I didn't have pre-baby- even in larger times. My belly is a big issue for me. I don't care about all those love your body things. I've tried. There are times I feel okay, when my belly shrinks a bit and I decide I can live with it. Lately, not so much.

To make matters worse, admittedly, my beeau is not always sensitive about body things. While he doesn't criticize my body, he has made some comments about women and their bodies that have left me questioning first how he could find me attractive and second, if he will be able to deal with an aging body. I'm the oldest woman he's been with in the past five years or more and I'm definitely reaching that age when a lovely, young, body with minimal blemishes is out of the question. And so, despite his repeated confessions of how lovely he finds me, I have not quite reached the point where I truly feel lovely.

Yesterday he put his arm around me so that his hand landed on my belly. To make it worse, I was lying on my side. Any girl will tell you that the only acceptable belly position is on ones back and aside from the possible exception of the seated position, lying on one's side is the worst belly position. On one's side, all the bellyness falls together into one large mass of gushiness. Have I grossed you out enough yet?

I tried to move his hand away and made some comment about it. He didn't budge and said that he loves my belly. Now I certainly don't think that in a line-up he would pick my body as his ideal, but he did sound sincere and I do think that he has reached a stage where he likes me so much that my faults are no longer faults but other things about me to love- that because it is my belly and part of me- he likes it. And no, I don't think I'm kidding myself.

We've talked about our body issues before and he has never given me hollow praise. He's never insulted me, but we've talked in one of those honest, let's support each other's desire to get healthier and fitter ways. He definitely doesn't lack honesty.

So anyway, his comment yesterday gave me hope that he will be able to accept me even if I don't fit his ideal and so today I made the effort to put on clothes that help make me feel beautiful.

The Weekend

2006-08-14T18:25:34Z

It was a school weekend for me so most of my time was full.

We chatted Friday night after class but I didn't see him. It was strange not to.

When I called him Saturday, he had dinner planned. I came home first to shower and get some stuff. I was exhausted. My recent class isn't very exciting and the break between class on Friday and class on Saturday is not enough.

Finally, I went over and he had made us eggplant parmesean. It was so nice to do nothing and to just have dinner waiting for me. And so we ate. I had wanted to do our usual Saturday night going out but I was way too tired. He put on a movie and I promptly fell asleep.

Sunday I had school again. I did a presentation about adoption which was difficult.

This time he texted me to offer a massage. It was pretty random but also really sweet.

I called him after class because I was debating whether or not to drive straight to his house. He told me to take my time- unwind- do whatever I needed to do. Two things that continue to strike me about him are his complete calmness and his total acceptance and support of whatever obligations I have. He just seems to show this perfect balance of making sure I know he wants to see me while making sure I know that anytime I need to get something done or just need some time for me, I can take it without guilt. It's hard sometimes to describe these little things but after being with someone who only cared about his time and who time and time again would fight with me about the hours I spent on my job or whatever- it's just so freeing to be with someone who lets me live my life.

I was late getting there because my mom called but he wasn't worried about it. He gave me that massage- always conscious of my comfort level and then made dinner again.

We had to get milk and I noticed that since the job conversation he's been making sure to have cash when we're together. Before that, he would usually offer to pay but he never carried cash so when we went to make a small purchase (like coffee or milk) I always paid. Sometimes, although we may not discuss it again, I notice that he adjusts his habits to be more fair or to accomodate my needs.

We talked about my day. I hadn't really mentioned that I had to present but I shared it with him when I came home. At first I said little. My fiance was never interested- especially if it was about adoption. My beau actually asked me pointed questions about my research and stuff and when I apologized for my lengthy response his response was that he asked and that he really was interested. He noted the parallels to what it's like for the disabled guys he works for and we chatted more and he was wonderful. As he often does, he validated my choice, my feelings, and made reference to future children. He's talked about my having children a few times in a way that tells me its on his mind.

We also talked about how boring we were this week. Part of the problem was that I stayed home a lot to do homework and most nights didn't go over there until close to seven. With all the running around we've done this summer, we're both tired. It's hard to get inspired to do summer things under those conditions. We did go out for a nice dinner on Thursday. Still, it was good to talk about it because I have been worried about losing some of that spontanaiety and spark. We're planning to enjoy this week because I go back to school next week.

He actually thought I started today and so he began a conversation about it. When I corrected him, he stopped and when pressed he wouldn't tell me what he had planned to say, just that he had planned something. He's mentioned it a lot- different ways we can handle my more demanding schedule. I know he's planning to stay with me and that he's fully prepared to give me whatever time I need to do my job. So I wonder what he wants to talk about.

A Rose for Me

2006-08-12T02:53:16Z

So he sent a picture of a rose to me today, but that's not really why I'm writing (though he has been laying it on thick this week).

He talked to his dad today and his dad said that if he had to pick the perfect girl for him, she'd be like me. As my beau said, they didn't just approve of me, they were impressed by me. They said I was ladylike and polite and all those good things.

I said to the beau, "How am I going to keep that up?" and he said not to worry because I really am all the things his parents said.

And he's starting to say so many sweet things to me that I can't remember them all. All I know is that I have a constant smile.

I'm Keeping You Around

2006-08-10T20:51:13Z

Me: I have a lot of baggage.
Him: I'll help you unpack.

Of course, this was complicated by a separate discussion about his job. He's in danger of losing it and as it is, they've already halved his hours. I told him that it made me nervous.

He asked why.

My response: Been there, done that, regret it.

He didn't take that very well.

He didn't tell me right away and when he was acting funny I blamed it on tiredness until he texted me today to tell me it was bothering him- that he realized he was letting his guard down and that he needed to consider that I could leave at any time.

Yeah, not a great text exchange today.

So we kind of need to discuss this. It won't help if he suddenly pulls back for fear of me leaving because then I will end up leaving. Why don't people realize this?

You have to jump in and take your chances. It's the only way to get the good stuff.

Otherwise, last night was fine. I took him to my favorite place- we've avoided it because too many people go there, but I decided it was time.

He apologized for acting weird at his parents. I hadn't noticed, but he was worried because he said he doesn't bring many people home.

I opened up about some of what I wrote yesterday.

We are still trying to come to agreement on when and how to disclose the more sensitive parts of my life.

But it's good.

He said he's planning to keep me around and then added that he wasn't saying it because he thought I did or didn't want to hear it but because it was the truth.

Meeting the Parents

2006-08-09T13:41:24Z

We went to his parents house last night.

I was terrified. We've talked a lot about his parents and he pretty much warned me that his parents wouldn't approve of anyone unless it was a girl from their church. I was also warned that his father has asked people to leave. They are Christian and they take the Bible literally. Usually I do okay with religious folks. I was raised Catholic and I still have a lot of that in me. Unfortunately, his parents don't approve of Catholicism. So this liberal girl was off to meet the super-Christians who are pretty much offended by everything. I was also warned that they might put me on the spot with their questions.

I actually had a really great time and his parents approved of me (of course they don't yet know that I'm a smoker and that I have an illegitimate child, but I'll worry about that later).

His father told me lots of stories and kept telling me all these wonderful things about his son. After dinner, they pulled out a box of pictures. When I asked, I was told I'm the first person they've done that for. So I got to see a bunch of pictures of my beau growing up. I learned a lot.

First of all, he's done a lot of really interesting things that he's never mentioned- like flying a plane and competing in engineering competitions.

The real eye-opener was the high school pictures.

We grew up in the same small town though I moved out just when he moved in. He's also younger than I am. On Saturday we went out with two of my friends from that school system and they were trying to decide if they remembered him. He told them that he was like Napolean Dynamite- but worse. We couldn't believe him. Today he is a charming good-looking man. He's very tall and looks to be in excellent shape with a lovely speaking voice and the ability to make anyone smile. One of my friends mentioned more than once how handsome he is and I agree.

He wasn't kidding about the Napolean Dynamite comparison- tall, gangly, awkward, with big glasses and geeky hair- with the key word being awkward. I really wish everyone could see because it's one thing to hear about it but a whole other story to actually see it.

It explains a lot.

I knew he was bullied in high school and I know that he ended up lashing out at his bulliers and the school- enough to force the school to get him a home tutor. I imagined him as he is now- this big, imposing guy, but seeing the pictures made me realize why the school didn't really punish him- one look at him and you realize that this was a kid who was alienated and who no one protected.

After high school he went off on his drinking and sex spree which also makes sense. Suddenly he's considered a hot commodity- fun, good-looking, a real catch. And so he hooked up with every hot, young girl he could and he wears it as a badge of honor. I can't really blame him.

Yet he's still a geek. That whole part of him is still there, it's just that he's grown up and found himself and figured things out.

I was happy to see the pictures and even happier that he personally handed me the high school ones- saving his prom pictures for last. I couldn't help but think that any other girl he's been with probably would have left him after seeing all that -I'm not exaggerating, but he trusted me with that information and our relationship is strong enough for him to know that it doesn't change what I think of him (in fact, it gave me some comfort about the sketchy past that bothered me so much). It explains a lot of his life including some trouble he's been in.

But back to the parents. His dad did talk a lot and did ask me questions though only two of them made me worry. The mother was much quieter and I had to make a conscious effort not to ignore her (after all, it's important to have mom like you). During the picture sharing, his dad kept talking about how wonderful his boys were and how he wishes they were still at home and that he would love to go back and relive the times when they were really little. They showed me a whole bunch of stuff and then we sat in the living room and chatted and watched home movies.

We had told the parents earlier that we met in January and his dad brought it up several times seeming to want to ask more about that (they met a girl he dated between January and now) but didn't. His mom told him he looked healthier. They commented about their relationship and a few times compared it to how my beau and I are. A few things came up, including the fact that I grew up there, that suggested how closely our lives paralleled without crossing until now. My beau made a comment that it was kind of creepy. His father said it wasn't creepy, that it was something much nicer than that. I could alomst read his mind as he thought about how God wanted his son and I to meet.

They invited me on their family vacation but when they realized that my teaching schedule didn't fit with their vacation schedule, the mom was trying to figure out how they could make it work so that I could go.

When we were looking at the pictures, his dad tried to sneakily tell his son that he had done well with me- he gave him a thumbs up which I caught and made a comment about how his son had done well.

After we left, I told my beau that all the nice things they thought about me were going to disappear when they learned about my "faults". Still, I could tell my beau was happy, too. As the night wore on, he freely put his arm around me and did a few things that let me know I had passed and that he was proud to show me off to his parents. I wonder if this is the first time his parents have approved. I know their relatiuonship has been rocky and that he has brought very few girls home with him.

Religion only came up three times. The dad gave my beau an article about why God condems pork and suggested he share it with me, too. The dad said how God healed his Lyme disease and he talked about how homosexuality is an abomination- he probably said the most about that, but he said it all very calmly and not at all how I expected.

While I know that the family and I don't see eye to eye on much, I don't think it will be as difficult as I thought to be respectful of them and to maintain a good relationship with them.

For his part, my beau has decided that he can go there and smile and say what they need to hear even while he lives his life according to his own values. This is pretty much what I've done with my own family so I can respect that.

Overall, a good visit- and a night that just made me fall even more for him.

It Just Has a Way of Working Out

2006-08-07T17:22:19Z

So I mentioned Friday night.

As the weekend wore on, I started feeling like I wanted to be home. Having him over Friday just made my apartment finally feel like home. It was really special.

I do spend most days here- even on the weekends. I'm trying to continue to live my life- just in case.

Saturday night we went singing. A couple of my old friends met up with us. He's officially met just about every friend I have. This is very weird because my beau's rarely do. He's a good sport and easy to be around. I did feel a little guilty though because one of my friends is super sad about being single so I didn't want to make her uncomfortable which meant that I ignored him a bit. He said he didn't mind- that it was my night to have fun.

Yesterday was odd. I felt like we were getting into a rut. Too familiar. We haven't played frisbee or gone for a walk or anything like that lately. With all the time we spend together, we've both started using some of that time to do our own thing. Plus, he's having some financial problems so he's trying not to go out. Plus, we were both tired from filling up so much of our time and I was feeling off. I still have my moments because things have changed a lot. I worry about whether or not I should even be with anyone and I really worry about making all the same mistakes I've made before. I also was wondering what his motives were that night- we were supposed to go to a local event but he decided he didn't want to because he was tired and didn't want to spend money. I had mentioned that my ex-fiance was probably going to be there that night and I wondered if that was the real reason he didn't want to go. I needed reassurance from him- unasked for, spontaneous reassurance that the important stuff still exists between us.

I didn't really get it last night though he did give me many compliments (he is an expert at making me feel beautiful and I have to say that it is a treat to be with someone who describes me as beautiful rather than cute and I can't get enough of him looking at me, but I digress). He has been getting sweeter in his affection- paying more attention to all of me rather than parts of me- doing sweet things that aren't about sex.

He was really upset that I wasn't planning to see him today. He really wants to see me every day. He was upset in a sweet way.

Anyway, he got more bad news this morning. I didn't feel like I did much to help, but after I dropped him off at work, he texted me to say, "Thanks for being there for me." It was what I needed.

Plus, when I dropped him off at work, we had an impromptu conversation about us- I needed that, too. We want each other to stay.

As an aside- on Friday he said that he can make anyone laugh but that it's different with me. On Saturday, he was taken aback when I played with a bunch of coasters the same way he does- he metioned how comfortable it is to be with someone who does things like him. I showed him a picture my friend took of us Saturday and he mentioned how happy we were and made a comment that suggested he wants people to know about us.

Quickly

2006-08-05T22:44:34Z

Just a quick entry to say that even though he still won't call me his girlfriend, last night he started crying as he talked about how beautiful I am and how good it is to hear me laugh and how nice it is to be appreciated.

We actually hung out at my house for a change. He had an awful day, but he didn't take it out on me. He put together my new computer desk for me and sang and acted silly even though it turned out to be frustrating. I got some much-needed cleaning and unpacking done. Then we showered and he talked about how it was good to be happy.

After we went dancing though we left early and spent our first night at my apartment. It feels good to lie in bed with him.

Today we ran some errands and now I'm heading there again.

As a side note, he said he's been thinking of getting a camera. He said he never cared about documenting his life, but now he wants to. So I took some pictures of us.

Falling

2006-08-03T17:11:40Z

(a hug)
Him: I guess I am nervous.
Me: Why are you nervous?
Him: You know why.
Me: Yeah, I know why.
(pause)
Me: It's going to be good.

Rough Night

2006-08-01T16:09:54Z

Me: I'm going to go home
Him: Are you okay? Are you crying?
Me: I'm just not feeling right tonight. It's nothing you did. I just think I should go home.
(kisses. hugs.)
Him: Do you want me to go with you?
(blank stare from me)
Him: I mean do you want to be alone or do you want me to go with you? I could hold you and just be there for you. Are you okay to be alone?
Me: Yeah, I'll be okay. I just think I should go home.
(more hugs and kisses)
Him: If you need me, call. You can wake me up. I'll be here. Anything you need.
Me: Okay. Thank you.

Today. Text Messages.
Me: Good morning, handsome!
Him: Good morning love! I'm beat. I couldn't get to sleep til 3AM.
Me: That stinks! I was up til 2 but I got to sleep in a bit. How come you couldn't sleep?
Him: Stressed.
Me: What's stressing you? Anything I can do?
(no response)

Yesterday wasn't good. Meeting the family was hard. The relationship between his brother and his girlfriend makes me uncomfortable. Yesterday, we went to his brother's house. The girlfriend stays in the kitchen while the brother relaxes. Her finger was broken- she touched his sunburned shoulders. He pushed her away hard enough to bend her finger. It was really crooked.

We all played frisbee while she cooked. The brother was supposed to do the grilling. Instead me and my beau did the cooking. Nobody came out the whole time we grilled. We brought the finished food up. There were two more girls there. Everyone ate. The girls wondered if I was the girlfriend. We couldn't answer. He later stumbled over a whole I wasn't going to introduce you as my girlfriend because we haven't talked about it. It's true, we haven't. By the time everyone grabbed food ,the brother's girlfriend was left with just a hot dog. I found out later that she hates one of the girls.

After the eating (we ate in the kitchen with the girlfriend. Everyone else sat in the living room) she asked the brother to take out the trash. He never did. He just kept asking her for things. Finally she asked my beau to take it out of the barrel cuz it was too heavy for her. My beau took it out of the barrel but didn't take it outside. I did it for her. She was clearly upset. She came out a bit later and we realized there was still corn on the grill. She went to get my beau. He poked his head out, said to flip it and disappeared. I was midsentence.

I made a comment about him being gone and the girlfriend said they always are. She vented about the trash and the cooking and the cleaning and the lack of support from the brother and from men in general and said he makes her mad.

I went upstairs and my beau was playing his computer game. Everyone else was playing a video game. The house is small. The girlfriend was in the kitchen. I had nowhere to go. My beau looked at me guiltily. The brother laughed at the drama. They both were asking if I was mad. I was uncomfortable with the unnecessary attention in front of everyone. I went and sat in the kitchen alone and considered my options.

I reentered the living room and my beau said he'd be off shortly. I offered to go home. At that point I wanted to. The brother laughed again and then went out to find his girlfriend who had gone outside in anger.

My beau finished and took me outside. We played frisbee for a bit. I felt a little better. Still I was freaked out. We went for a walk to talk about it. I was unsatisfied. I'm not sure he really got where I was at. Still, he hugged me and let me cry and wasn't a jerk. He tried to reassure me. He listened. He told me several times that he wants me to tell him when something's bothering him. He apologized about the gaming. He tried to explain his brother a bit. It was a mix of niceness and defensiveness.

We played Star Wars Legos and then left.

There was more uncomfortableness- too personal for a blog. We talked more.

Still, it was already too much for me. The whole night just opened up old wounds and made me scared about falling for someone new and worried that I'm about to get into another controlling relationship. It made me miss the history I had with my fiance- just the history. The whole idea of being vulnerable with someone all over again was too much for me.

The undefined relationship, the traditional family, the brother who thinks the man should be in charge, the sketchy past, the swiftness of the fall into what feels very much like a committed relationship but isn't.

And I miss my daughter.

It was all too much.

So I came home.

And I don't know where his head is. I imagine it was a lot for him too. I told him I was worried that he would be like his brother- that I wanted no part of that kind of relationship. He is either offended by my words or just worried about making me happy. I hope it's the latter. He's always worried about making me happy.

I Almost Forgot

2006-07-31T16:52:11Z

Yesterday, he decided he wanted to make me breakfast. He planned breakfast in bed, but I unknowingly got up. While he cooked, I went out to get coffee.

I came back and the house smelled like a restaurant- eggs, toast, homefries, and little glass bowls of yogurt. It was delicious and sweet. He blushed at the yogurt. It was a sweet touch.

Dancing

2006-07-31T16:38:21Z

Last night we all sat around a fire in the backyard. Love songs were playing and we enjoyed them- he's a sap, too.

We started packing up to leave. We were in the dining room as our host said goodbye and "Stand By Me" came on. He took me into his arms and danced with me around the living room completely oblivious to anyone around- one hand on my back the other holding my hand.

We have the kind of relationship that makes single people sick.

I don't want this honeymoon phase to end.