Another Shoe

I want to live longer so I can enjoy you longer.  4/2/07

Baby, I miss your warn arms. 4/3/07

Rainy rainy day i like it but not as much as you!  4/15/07

Thinking about this summer and living with you and barbeques and loving you.  4/16/07

I got it bad so bad i'm hot for teacher!  4/18/07

So i hear you're having a man move in with you.  4/21/07

I'm dangerously in love with you.  4/22/07

My pretty lady I'm thinking about you.  4/25/07

I'm sorry I left the apartment messy last night.  That was inconsiderate of me and it has been bothering me since we talked on the phone. 4/25/07

Oh no!  Haha muah!  You're just too pretty for alarm clocks!  4/26/07

I'm hopelessly devoted to you. 4/26/07

Hope the show goes well tonight sweet pea! And I can't wait to see you tomorrow!  4/27/07

Yay I get to see you!  4/29/07

Hurry I want my pretty!  4/29/07

I got some good sleep last night i'm all rested and missing you.  4/30/07

I get to see sleepy tonight!  4/30/07

My arms miss you.  4/30/07

I love you too much.  4/30/07

you're my own personal angel  5/1/07

Did you know i have a beautiful girlfriend that i really love a really lot?  5/3/07

Wow nice work in the living room sweetie.  5/8/07

You're hot they can't help it.  Just be careful sweetie.  5/9/07

Andrew loves Monique  5/18/07 

I was made for loving you baby.  6/22/07

I love you honey.  I liked spending the day with you yesterday.  7/5/07

Woot go baby go!  8/16/07

I'm crazy about you everyday.  8/17/07

Just sitting here thinking about how much I love you.  9/10/07

I can't wait til this weekend to be with you.  9/19/07

Kiss kiss kiss.  I can't wait to live with you in the new place!  10/16/07

Ok baby muah muah good job.  This week baby new place!  dance dance dance  10/22/07

Aw sweetie what happened?  You ok?  10/31/07

Smile cuz someone is thinking of you.  11/1/07

Kiss kiss love you my awesomw girlfriend.  11/06/07

I had a dream where we had hot sex and you were all dressed up pretty.  Oh wait that happened.  11/08/07

Can't believe you got a haircut.  A real haircut.  You're so beautiful!  11/08/07

You were so cuddly last night it was great.  11/30/07

I heard he wants emonsters.  12/4/07

You're just too good to be true.  Can't take my eyes off of you.  12/7/07

I'd like to kiss you in the thunder!  1/11/08

Oh boy I got a cute girlfriend.  Muah muah.  1/28/08

Already?  Wow!  Nice work sweetie!  2/18/08

Congrats baby!  I'm proud of my sexy schoolteacher!  Muah muah.  2/27/08

I'm so lucky to have you.  3/13/08

Happy birthday!  Muah muah!  3/18/08

Kisses for my mathy head!  Kiss kiss!  4/10/08

Oh beautiful! Like you!  4/10/08

Thinking about how lucky I am to have such a lovely lady like you in my life.  5/1/08

It's a good morning because I have you in my life!  5/15/08

Out in the water today wish you were here It is pretty like you!  5/29/08

You have such a perfect face!  Can't kiss it enough.  8/1/08

I'm so lucky to have your sweet kisses!  8/5/08

Counselor:  CONGRATS!!!!! I am so happy for the both of you!  This is only the beginning of great things to come.  I can't wait to hear about it!Have a great weekend!  8/10/08

Last May, my beau and I moved in together.

It was mostly wonderful, but he hated my apartment.

This fall, we found a beautiful place and moved together.

The past bunch of months have been filled with some trials, but on most days, we are still madly in love.

We don't go out as much anymore, partly because we live together now, but also because we're going through rough times financially because of our sudden move.

Our families still love us and us together.  He has been talking marriage.  Everyone else in our lives have already decided it is so even though he has yet to propose.  My mom sends me wedding planning guides.  My aunt calls him my fiance.

My daughter adores him.

I adore him.

I've been going through some personal issues and he has remained by my side and been very helpful.

I still love curling up to him.

We still laugh together often.

We still skip in the grocery store and sing in the car.

We've had more sweet and dressy theatre dates.  We've has errand running dates.

He doesn't do as much housework as I'd hoped, but he has enough other pluses that it hasn't been too much of a stressor.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'll try to post more often. 

Last night, I sang Fly Me To The Moon at karaoke and my sweetheart had tears in his eyes.

Life is good.

I know, I know, it's been awhile.  I have little papers all over my desk reminding me to post about different things.

I'm still in love.  It is still wonderful.

Some highlights:

1.  Walking to the fruit and veggie store on a particularly nice February afternoon.
2.  Not the three dozen red and white birthday roses, but the inclusion of a stuffed ladybug because I love "fluffies" (as he calls them).
3.  Him crying at Rent.
4.  The tux he got without any prompting from me for our first trip to the theater.
5.  The way I felt on his arm that night.
6.  His singing of the songs from the show when we left.
7.  Going for crepes when it was over.
8.  Shoe shopping with him.  He saw cute shoes on sale and took me there to get them.
9.  Talking to his parents about moving in together.
10.  His calling me before making an expensive purchase because he felt it wasn't fair to me for him to complain about money and then go out and buy something nice.
11.  Sweetly asking me to pick up an anniversary card for his parents.
12.  Agreeing to raise our children with religion.
13.  Talking, talking, and more talking.
14.  Hearing the conservative brother say he's never seen my beau so happy.
15.  Hearing my beau tell his parents that he won't choose a career that would keep him away from me and our (future) children for long periods of time.
16.  Agreeing to buy two kinds of spaghetti so we could both be happy.
17.  Cooking all that spaghetti and meat sauce when I was suppossed to.
18.  Random kisses.
19.  Loving me unconditionally.
20.  The way he took pictures of me as I opened all the gifts my sister sent for me.

Yes, we're thinking of moving in together this summer.  We were going to wait longer, but in light of our happiness and future plans, we're ready now.

I have met my match.

I've never been into Valentine's Day.  There are so many gift-giving holidays and this one just seemed so manufactured.

But I'm in love, and my beau was very excited for Valentine's Day.  It rubbed off on me.

He spoiled me.  I got to his house and he had a whole bunch of gifts- sweet Valentine's stuff and a very pretty sweater that landed me lots of compliments at work.  He said he had wanted to give me things throughout the night, but he couldn't wait.

We went out to dinner at our favorite place.  We got there early so we wouldn't have to wait.  It was about 3/4 full already.  We lucked out with a corner table on a raised L-shape area around the edge of the restaurant.  Part of the reason we like it there is because it is romantic- but landing that corner table was really great.

We scooted up close together and ordered our favorite meals.  They had put roses on all the tables and had live music playing so the whole night was nice.

Then we went home.  He had got the movie, The Sting, which apparently he watched constantly as a kid.  I'd never seen it.  It was a great movie.

All in all, a very nice night.

He later said I was his first Valentine.  He was worried about making it perfect.  He did.  It felt perfect.

I was just looking back and realized I never said what happened after my emotional weekend.

It actually got worse.

I was a mess.  Really freaking out and having trouble staying grounded.

I had to go to his city again the next day so we were supossed to get together that night too.  I had a feeling he'd forget because we hadn't made any real plans or talked about it much.  When I was done with what I was there for I texted him. He had made plans with a friend who wants to do a project with him.  He invited me to come along, but I said no and headed home.

Of course this made me feel worse.

A little bit later he said he was going to come see me.  It was what I needed to hear.  I still felt uneasy about the weekend and I needed him to go out of his way for me.

A lot of time passed.  He hadn't shown up.

I texted- "Are you coming?"

He called asking if it was too late.  It was, but I knew telling him not to come would just make me feel worse so I told him to come.

When he arrived, I was upset.  He was good.  After a few minutes, we had a laugh about how he picked the very worst day in the world to be late getting here.

I told him I was worried that I'd messed things up by getting so upset over little things.  He thinks it brought us closer.  He was glad I said something.

I don't remember all that was said but I remember that it really was a great night and a great talk and I got through an emotional weekend without losing it.

I actually had forgotten all about it until I read the entry here.  I talked to my sister about it because I knew she understood exactly what I was experiencing.  It was comforting.

Since then my beau and I have talked a bit about taking each other for granted.  I thanked him for coming to dinner with my family this week and it sparked another talk about it.  He said I don't need to thank him for that.  We talked about trying not to take each other for granted and he mentioned that being taken for granted shows him that I really love him, because being together has become so natural that we don't bother with the formalities.  We decided that we have mixed feelings about it all- we both like being appreciated so he both liked the thank you and didn't like the thank you.

I don't want us to take each other for granted.  I think it's too easy for things to go bad when that happens.

Last night it came up seriously for the first time.  We've certainly talked about living together, but it was something in the distant future.

He brought it up last night.  First he wondered how attached I was to my mismatched dishes.  He's concerned about merging our stuff and wondered what things I was hanging onto for sentimental reasons.  So we talked about the different things we had and how they'd go together.

Then he said he was thinking about keeping claim to his current place- maybe paying reduced rent to keep his workshop and some storage stuff there- while doing a trial run of living with me.

He wasn't clear about whether his idea was to move in to my current home or to get a new place.  I always assumed we'd get a new place and we talked about that.  I know he's not keen about moving to my city.  Right now we both live five minutes from our jobs so one of us (or both of us) will lose that perk when we live together.  He did talk about making room for the few things he owns in my place.  My apartment is too big for me and while it is full, it would be pretty easy to make room for him.  I know he'd want one room of his own.  I don't love the idea of relocating just so we could try out living together.  If he wants to keep one foot in his current home for backup, then I really don't want to move all my stuff out to a new apartment.  I just moved in here.

So we'll see.  It's not something we're talking about doing soon.  It's just the first time we've talked about it in practical terms.  My lease is up in July so we'll need to make a decision before that.  I don't want to sign on for another full year if we're going to want to get a different place for us.

So yes, things are still good.  This week he successfully met my aunt and uncle.  We need to plan a trip to see them.  It was nice and they liked him.

Taking your 6'4" 250 lb self and putting it into the middle seat on the plane so your sweetheart can get the window seat.

Life is good.

His folks took us all to Disney.  I was a little nervous about all that time with the whole family, but it was wonderful.

His mom wants us to stay together forever.

We talk as if we will.

When I mentioned that I wanted to work on being less of a worryer he let me know that he loves me just how I am.

He was especially sappy last night, telling me how nice it is just to have me there- that he wants me there for every part of his life, among other things.

He's so loving and so accepting and so good.

I've also noticed as we've passed the honeymoon stage, that he is very good at determining when we need to mix things up or or have a date night or reconnect.

I'll try to post more trip details later in the week.  Just know that our first vacation was teriffic.

I'm facing a bout of depression this weekend.  It's been months since I felt like this- my head all out of whack- shaky, unsure, unsafe.

All week, I felt the need for a good cry (I usually fight tears) but I still felt okay. 

Friday was a wonderful day at work and it was followed by a sweet night with my beau.  We spent a couple of hours lying in bed together and talking about stuff.

He had a few weeks break from his second, weekend job, but it started back up this weekend.  So he went home early Friday night and later told me how emotional it was to leave, how torn he felt because he felt like he should be with me.

I slept really late Saturday and finished my second Torey Hayden book of the week- I think maybe the sleeping late and depressing reading choices may have afftected my mood.

I tried to cry on Saturday, but I'd let out a few measly tears and then I'd think about how good things are right now and the tears would stop.  So I figured I'd be okay.

I was taking my nephew out Saturday afternoon.  I picked a late movie because my beau was working and my nephew lives in the same city as my beau.  The beau and I discussed the plans and he knew I was going to entertain myself with the nephew until he got home from work.  I wasn't planning to go back to my city.

My nephew didn't want to do much so I took him home.  Any thoughts I had about visiting with my sister and the rest of the kids while I waited quickly disappeared.  It was chaos at her house.  I had really thought she was doing better, but she isn't.  I used to live with her.  I moved in to help after her husband left.  It was awful.  She used to be my closest sister, but living together ruined it.  Some days I wanted to call Social Services.  I moved out and have kept my distance since.  I hate not seeing the kids as much as I used to, but I can't stand being around that life.  So I'm sure that added to my uneasy feeling.

I texted the beau to say I was done and was just wasting time until he got home.  He texted back to say he was leaving soon.  I went to run errands.  I took my time in the store.  I was planning on a wait.  He called to say he ran out of gas.  I checked out and called back to see if he needed me.  He didn't.

I looked at the clock.  I listened to his description of where he was.  I realized that he must have done other things in between work and driving home.  It upset me.

I drove to his house and waited.  I debated going home.  It's the first time I've ever just wanted to leave.  I could feel the anxiety starting.  When I saw him I told him that I was surprised he did other stuff when he knew I was waiting for him.

He apologized but didn't see the problem -were it not for running out of gas, he would have gotten back about the time he said he would.  We tried on the other shoes- he at first said he wouldn't just go to my city and drive around waiting for me if he knew I wouldn't be home til a certain time.  I reminded him that I didn't just go to his city early, that I was in his city for something else and that if he was in mine and I had a chance to finish up early, I would do it so he wouldn't have to wait.  That I just thought he could have done those things another day.  I thought we had come to an understanding.  I wasn't very mad and I made a point to let him know it wasn't a major thing.  And so our night continued a bit and I thought we were all set.

A few hours later he brought it up again.  I couldn't figure out why we were still talking about such a little thing.  I guess he thought I was still upset- he was waiting to hear that I forgave him- I laughed and said I forgave him three hours ago.  I explained that it never was a big thing.  I explained that I was trying to tell him things in the beginning, before they became big things, just like he'd asked.  I told him it wasn't a major thing, but I didn't want to wait for something similar to happen and me to get really mad.

So things were fine.  Neither of us raised our voices.  We looked in each others eyes and held hands and just talked it through.  And we both acknowledged that I was already feeling a bit anxious and he acknowledged that it was inconsiderate.

We went out that night to karaoke and he drove and paid.  We had a great time.  I found one of the first love songs he ever played for me in the book so I surprised him by singing it for him.  He was touched.  We went home and slept.

I woke up late again the next day so I was all out of sorts.  I dressed and got my things and he commented about how he needs to get used to my need to start my day because my hurry to leave was making him feel like something was wrong.  I actually didn't want to leave him.  I wanted him to come with me- I was feeling particularly needy and I wanted him around.  He was feeling sick and had his own things to do so we parted and left the evening plans up in the air.

So I went home.  I settled in to my weekend routine.  It was a rainy, dreary day.  I didn't want to go out again.  I wanted my beau to come to my house.

He had left his license at the karaoke place and wouldn't take the chance of driving without it to go pick it up.  He had figured I'd take him.  When I said I wanted to stay home, he said it was no problem, that he'd have his roommate take him.  The implication was that I also wouldn't see him unless I went there. 

I should have just stayed home.  I could feel that I needed to.  But a part of me also felt like kind of a jerk for not being willing to do him the favor.  Plus, my messages about driving there weren't exactly kind.  So I showered and put jammies on and grabbed a few movies.  I figured I would make the drive but I would also set us up for the kind of low-key evening that I needed.  He said it sounded perfect.

We ran the errand and then went way out of the way to get some food- which tasted bad and made me feel a bit sick.

We went back to his house and put in love actually which neither of us had ever seen.  We expected it to make us feel sappy.  Instead it had lots of parts that made him turn away because he couldn't watch.  We didn't like it at all.  We didn't think it was romantic.  We thought most of the love stories were awful.  We giggled about our love being so wonderful that none of the love in so-called romance movies can compare.

And then he went to play his computer game for a bit.

Normally this isn't an issue.  I turn on the TV and fall asleep and he games.  It has started to creep into our time a little too much lately, but it's still not too bad.  Until last night.

The TV isn't working so I popped in another movie.  Except I had brought a bunch of movies that I wanted to watch with him and instead I was lying alone.  Plus, these weren't movies I could fall asleep to.  And I was already feeling blah.

Usually, he checks in with me while he games.  He'll come over for a kiss or cuddle or just look over at me.  Last night he didn't.  And as I lay there I started to feel very alone and I started to get upset.  Eventually, I asked him to come join me- said I didn't come over to lay by myself.  And then I waited.  And he didn't come (quickly enough).  So I got up to go home.  And said I was leaving.  And at first he seemed unfazed.

He went to the bathroom and I was ready to go and tempted to just walk out, but I waited.  And he came back and I was pretty upset.  He had been just about to join me, but I didn't know that.

He was upset that I was just going to walk out.  I told him that I had already asked but that he didn't do anything.  He said he was going to quit playing.  I told him not to take it to such an extreme- that I was just asking him to pay attention to me when I was there.  He sat me down and told me that I am his number one priority- that if I'm ready to walk out on him because of a game, that the game isn't worth it.  He acknowledged that he does lose track of time when he plays and that he knows he can let it take over his life.  I tried to tell him I'd feel even worse if he quit, but I'm not sure if it got through.  He said he has plenty of other things he can do and that he's been neglecting.  He asked me to take off my coat so he wouldn't have to be worried about me leaving again.

It still didn't feel settled to me and having such little things turn into such big things just made me feel worse.  I was more emotional than I needed to be.  I couldn't find any words to explain it.  So we laid there and I just sobbed.  And he told me that he had me, that he was right there, so I tried to regroup-because I felt all this emptiness inside- I felt myself disconnecting from everything- I felt myself entering into that scary space- so I pressed my hand against his chest and concentrated on feeling him there and eventually I fell asleep.

Today I just feel blah- scared that I added some hard feelings into our relationship.  I still feel like nothing was resolved.  I am torn between acknowledging that I am overly emotional and sensitive this weekend while still standing up for the fact that what he did made me feel unimportant and taken for granted.  And he is really sick this weekend and getting worse.  I think he needs a doctor.  So I'm also feeling bad about not being more nurturing.

I am reminding myself that nothing really bad happened.  We didn't even fight.  We both just talked calmly.  And I've been saying all weekend that I was feeling really sad so my crying is also a non-issue- he's seen worse.  I'm also trying to focus on all the good things, but I can't feel any of that right now.  I just feel all these bubbling stuffed-down emotions trying to escape.  And I can't find any words for any of them.

Last Wednesday, he took me out for a date.  Told me to dress up nice- that we had spent so much time visiting others and it was high time we had a night for just us.

The second time I saw him, he brought me a chocolate rose.  This was long before any romance.  I still have it.  Initially I had put it aside but hadn't eaten it.  Later, I saved it because it was from him.

So I showed up for our date.  I had brought a skirt but was too cold to change.  He said it was fine.

We got in the car and he pulled out a chocolate rose for me- to bring us back to our beginning.

This time it had a message on it: To my love....

So sweet and romantic.

Everything is still wonderful.

Last night, I opened up.  Made myself more vulnerable than I like to.  Talked about marriage and babies and futures without all the giggling and disclaimers.  Talked about my fears.  Talked about how incredibly in love with him I am.  We were lying in my bed later.  I was still talking.  I said that I'd said too much.  He told me I hadn't said anything he wasn't thinking too.

These days, it's more a matter of waiting appropriate amounts of time and getting the things done that we need to get done in order to fully merge our lives.

We still can't take our eyes off each other over dinners.

We're still being brutally honest- even about the hard stuff.

I still feel like we fit together in ways I never knew people could fit together.

I feel like I'm making it all up, but I'm not.

A lot of folks I know and love ae struggling with their partners right now.  It makes me feel even more blessed to have him.  I told him that I hope it always feels this good and then giggled and told him it wasn't an option- that we always have to be this happy.

He played a new song for me recently and I was taken aback because every time I heard it on the radio, I thought of him and made a mental note to play it for him, but then he played it for me.  I like it when we get a chance to go on long drives- I sort of miss his days of no vehicle when we did lots of driving together- if only for the love songs he would play long before he ever said the words.

I played another song for him in his room and we danced together before heading out for the night.

I fit perfectly against his chest.

I haven't posted here about him as much, not because it isn't good, but because I am being more open about him on my real blogs and in my real life.

Today, he texted me to tell me I am the best thing that's ever happened to him.

1.  His roommates got me a very expensive gift and although he told me that they got me a gift, he didn't think to tell me that it was the type of gift that meant I should have had one for them, too.  When I ran out of time and mentioned to him that I had nothing for them, he said it was no big deal.
2.  He made me heart guitar hooks.
3.  Part of the reason he was so cool about his roommates' gift to me was because he and I weren't doing big gifts and they got me something he knew I really wanted.
4.  He was so excited about it.
5.  My daughter loved him.
6.  He, um, didn't bring anything to my daughter's even though we were staying over- no jammies, no toothbrush, no clean shirt for the next day.
7.  He did bring a gift for her though that he picked out all by himself.
8.  And her parents and grandmother seemed to enjoy him.
9.  They said it was nice to have me bring someone that my daughter took to and that actually had a sense of humor.
10.  He slept through his first Christmas morning.
11.  So he didn't get to see what it's like to be a child on Christmas morning.
12.  It was wonderful to have him there though.
13.  He got cards for his family.
14. When he handed them out, he told them all a story about how upset he was when he realized that all the cards in the box were the same.
15.  He was glad he got more than one box so he could give them each a different one.
16.  He also got his roommates about thirty gifts.
17.  He was so excited about all of them.
18.  His grandma included me in her gift giving.
19.  I was really touched.
20.  We were both nervous about our stockings for each other.
21.  It ended up being perfect.
22.  He was worried because he'd never filled one.
23.  I was worried because I knew he'd never filled one.
24.  We could have had completely different ideas about what belongs in a stocking or been really off on stocking cost leaving one of us feeling bad.
25.  We had the same idea.
26.  He wrapped all of the stocking gifts in pretty red boxes and shiny paper with real ribbon and bows.
27.  I got sick on Christmas.
28.  He was so worried and concerned  and supportive all week while I saw doctors.
29.  He also told his super Christian parents about my health woes- which have to do with my reproductive organs.
30.  When I heard him giving his dad an update this morning, I asked him why he was telling his dad.
31.  He stayed out super late with me on Wednesday so I could do my favorite thing even though he's not on vacation like I am.
32.  Today we watched "It's A Wonderful Life".
33.  Neither one of us had ever seen it.
34.  I knew it was a classic so I thought we should both see it.
35.  We couldn't believe how depressing it was.
36.  He kept covering up his face at the difficult parts.
37.  But George and his wife made us think of each other.
38.  My beau cried at the end.
39.  Tonight we started talking about our wedding.
40.  Then we realized what we were doing and had a good laugh and enjoyed the fact that we can talk about whatever is in our heads.

So even though I've been neglecting this blog, things are still wonderful with him.  I am so happy.

Me: So how long til you get sick of me?
Him: How long do you think I'll live?

In my private place, I will write about all the things that are bubbling up in me this week. And because I normally write about my sweet beau, I'll start by saying that things are great with him. Just last night he turned down work to have dinner with my mother because he wanted to be there to support me.

My mother. Yikes! I was a big part of the decision to fly her in for my big Christmas party. I haven't seen her since my daughter was born. I thought I could handle it. Then when she decided she was going to spend every night with me before the big day, I initially thought no way, but then decided I could handle that, too. Never mind that my mom didn't really offer me a choice. She even took it upon herself to invite other people over. Because I couldn't possibly have things to do before the party or the desire to relax before the big day. Still, I figured my mom could help and it would be okay.

I've been nervous all week. Plus, I have some additional stressors that I'll share later. I took her out to dinner last night. This was our first get-together. I can't say it was awful. It was fine. It's just that things she does that probably wouldn't bother me otherwise do bother me because of our history together. That and the fact that she's critical and negative and she'll wait til I'm not there to tell the entire world all the things she doesn't approve of in my life or she'll just make up stories (like the time when I was really thin and she told the whole world that I was bulimic or the time when my sister's husband's friend saw me out at karaoke with a male friend and word got around that I was cheating on my fiance) which will go around the whole family and will always be believed as true even when they're not.

I try not to tell her anything which is pretty easy because most of the time she doesn't listen anyway (my beau picked up on this right away) but she's really good at picking up juicy bits and passing around a distorted version just to have something to talk about. Mostly I just asked her questions and she answered and I tried not to lose my patience when I had to repeat the few things I did say because she never heard me. She said she was going to surprise me at work, but didn't know where I worked (I chose not to fill her in). Every year when I go see my daughter for Thanksgiving, she acts surprised as if it is the first time I've done that (this year was the fifth time.) Can you tell that being with my mom makes me crazy? And as a fill in, I moved out of her home and into my dad's after eighth grade. Living with her was an absolute nightmare.

My beau has a new second job. We've gone from five days together including full weekends to two harried evenings together. He's stressed because he no longer has any days off or time for himself and I'm stressed because of everything else and the adjustment has been hard. Plus, neither of us can be fully there for the other because of all the other things going on. Still, it's good and last night he was wonderful. I'm trying not to take my stress out on him and to remind myself that he's working like crazy, but it's tough.

I need to leave for work but I'll add one more thing- I've heard from my ex-fiance and his mother this week about his Christmas ornaments which are packed with mine. He and I have already communicated about this and my stats show that he reads my real blogs so I know he is aware of how stressed I am right now and the more they all email me, the less of a hurry I am in to return his ornaments. I don't need to deal with them this week. I felt like saying I'd return them when he gave me $4000 for his half of the expenses the first year I lived there while he had no job. But I know that's just the stress talking.

There, I feel better now.

Me: What took you so long to come into my life?
Him: (grinning) You weren't ready to meet me.
Me: (grinning) You weren't ready to meet me.
Me: God didn't want us to meet yet.
Him: (looking into my eyes) If we're still together a year from now, I may start believing in God.

Conflict and soul-searching, but these days I am back to feeling like I want to spend every moment with him. He is sweetness and light and the source of joy in my life. And it was good to go through that familiar bump with no drama or raised voices or tears. We talked, we spent time together as usual, and then it was over. And now I can get back to talking about houses and futures and love.

I asked him one night what made him want to be with me. We were sitting in my car in the dark and he told me about telling an old friend about me.

And he talked about sweet things and trust. We have built our relationship on trust and openness and honesty. According to him, it never worked with any other girl because those other girls weren't me.

And I'm loving the way he is strong and confident and manly and then talks about the chills and tears he gets from hearing certain songs or the way he turns away from the scary parts of movies or the way he looks at me as he tells me how beautiful I am.

I love that we can talk about pimples and body things and then snuggle up for a romantic dinner and only talk about us and our lives together.

I love the moments when we find ourselves doing or thinking the exact same thing- how we can be so different yet so connected.

I love the way he dreams big.

I love that he brags about me to his friends and family- how he can't stop gushing and how he starts gushing all over again and gets a little sheepish when he tells me the story.

Last weekend I put him to work- doing things around my apartment, things to help me. From 8AM to 8PM he did stuff for me, much of it spur of the moment, much of it frustrating, yet not once did I feel like I owed him something or like he was annoyed or like he was going out of his way for me. I didn't even make dinner after all that work. The next morning he got up and even before coffee or food, he started doing more stuff for me- he was looking for things he could do for me. Later he told me that people always make it so easy for people to do bad things but that no one ever makes it easy for people to do better. He figures if people are trying to improve their lives or surroundings, that he should do everything he can to help them do it. How can I not love him?

And in the same weekend, after we both worked our butts off, when he made an insensitive remark about there still being work to do on my home (after I made a comment about how nice it looked), he corrected right away and soon after came into the room I was in to kiss me and apologize and tell me that we really had done a great job that weekend and that it was looking good.

He got a hot dog steamer he's been wanting for awhile and was all excited about the present he got us. Because he really does think of everything as us or ours or we. Because he wants to share everything good with me. Because he puts my happiness first. Because he lives his life like I do- not worrying about the little things, putting the important things first, learning from mistakes, taking responsibility for good and bad, and laughing and smiling often.

I bought a 92 cent plastic massager so we tried it out last night and it just made me laugh. Normally, I hate to be tickled and in some ways I did hate the tickle, but I swear this massager hit all the laugh spots like you wouldn't believe- giving me the deepest, heartiest, laugh I've had since childhood. And so we laughed and laughed and tried it over and over to see if I could get that massage. And then I finally tried it on him to see if I was making it up or was just too ticklish at the moment and he tried so hard to keep it in, but it made him belly laugh too so now we have a cheap, pink, plastic massager that really is a laughing gadget and we made up silly stories about what made it so laugh-inducing.

I am so happy with him. I feel healthy and good. I think the thinking was needed. I think that in some ways, the quick leap to be with him is causing some of my anxiety. Yet in many ways, it is hard to believe that we had that strange and messy beginning. We spoke of that this week, too. It feels like we had a normal beginning- like we met and dated and fell in love slowly.

I recalled the first night I slept there and how awkward it was. It was the day I moved and I had no bed, no couch, no hot water. He didn't want me to stay (bad beginnings) but I made him let me and I slept in my jeans and T-shirt as far from him in the bed as possible and he made a comment about sleeping with his shirt off and I had never seen him without a shirt and I wanted to curl up with him but we both knew I needed to grieve and be on my own and that I shouldn't just jump right into another relationship. So we kept our distance and I left in the morning to meet the friend that saw me through those first few days. And now I can't imagine not curling up with him. We both look forward to those minutes in the morning after I hit snooze and he rolls over and opens his arms to pull me in. And when I leave I mostly want to kiss him forever- everything feels so good with him.

So yes it is good and I am swept away and I am happy.

What I wrote after I found out that my ex was sneaking around:

Lying.

I have images burned in my head.

A girl.

Thing is, you don't take pictures of your friends. Hell, you barely take pictures of me.

You yell back at me that I lied, that guys call me, and all the while you've been sneaking around with her.

I want to vomit.

I did vomit. This morning. The first time I ate something real in days.

I feel like a failure because you met someone.

I've noticed for months that your eyes no longer sparkled upon seeing me.

Even though my head knows we're not right- that it isn't me, but us- I can't help wishing you found comfort frrom me, not her.

We are from two different worlds. We've always known that. Eleven years now. You, the artist. Me, the intellectual. I don't know why we ever thought we could be happy forever.

I hate you for letting it get like this. Yes, I blame you. The sobbing nights when I begged you to get a job or to do something around the house or to kiss me again.

By the time you decided to try, I had already checked out. Become detached. I couldn't even feel you.

[cut]

We agreed to start fresh.

Little did I know that you were starting fresh with someone else.

I questioned you, but you denied it. I asked about your new work hours, why you no longer came home between jobs.

You followed me around, read my emails, listened in on my phone conversations. I cried- wondering if I was going crazy.

I wasn't. You finally admitted that you were doing nothing to make it work. Yet you still denied that there was someone else.

[cut]

Part of me is thinking fine- let her pay your bills and clean up your messes. Let her deal with your bitterness, your inability to talk about even the littlest things.

The other part of me wants you. I want that safety again. No arms feel like your arms.

[cut]

But I want to melt with you even though I know I need to move on. Even though I know that the last year with you has sucked the life out of me.

Such is your power.

And all I want is to get those pictures of her out of my head.

And today, November 7, 2006:

You are friends with her again.

And I am gone.

You and your anger are free to go to other places while I pick up the pieces of myself.

I'm peeling off those layers of protection.

I have no more desire for you.

It may have taken another year, but these days I feel nothing for you but disgust.

Saturday we went to my friend's house and made pumpkin seeds. My sweetie took the pumpkin and carved me a beautiful heart. It was sweet.

I finally experienced a Don't Touch Me Night. It was inevitable. It was what I feared.

I don't want to get into details, but it did cause me to do some soul-searching and reevaluating.

I'm not fully over it. My body does not recover easily. I have some major issues with touch.

Last night we talked about it. It is that which blows my mind. It is that which makes me feel safe. It is that which helps my confused heart feel that this time is different.

In my soul-searching, I found many reasons for the feeling. This wasn't a case of losing feelings for him. This was a case of several factors coming together to put my body into shutdown mode.

And I talked to him about it. And he told me he can sense when I am trying not to offend him but still resisting his touch. He is extremely affectionate. I was able to pinpoint and describe the moments when I am likely to resist. I was able to recognize the reaction as separate from our relationship or his approach. It is a bit of healing for me that is long overdue- to be able to see that pattern.

It was another talk that was a nonissue. It's not that he didn't take me seriously or that the conversation lacked depth or meaning. It's that it wasn't responded to with anger or defensiveness or uneasiness. I am learning how to talk about difficult things without fear. I am learning to be assertive and to describe my needs without "craziness."

Last week (something that led up to that other night I'm sure) I made a comment about being his "beck-and-call" girl when it comes to our physical relationship. This is another trend for me- this feeling that the relationship has been lost to physicality. It is generally unfounded, but usually becomes an obsession for me. It is like a test that I give. I need to know that I can say no.

And I learned that I can. And I learned that we can laugh together even in those tense moments. And I learned that we can go on to enjoy the day without a weight hanging over us.

But mostly I'm glad we opened up the communication. I'm having a hard time.

Sunday he held me and told me that I need to get better at asking for help. I know it is a weakness of mine. He is doing his best to compensate for the fact that I can't ask for help with even the simplest of things:

Me: Can you pick up bread on your way? I mean if it's not too much trouble, etc.
Him: Sure.
(We continue to talk about other things. We say goodbye. I know he's forgotten about the bread. I don't remind him because I feel like I'm imposing.)
He shows up without the bread.
He feels like a jerk the rest of the night.
I know that I should have reminded him before we hung up. I also know that my subconscious is filing this instance away in the can't-even-handle-doing-me-a-simple-favor category to resurface when I am feeling emotionally vulnerable and plagued by my baggage.

He will help when I ask. He has done it before without dire consequences. I just need to ask. Even though I was raised not to ask for anything. Even though everyone in my life has reacted either in anger or with a sense of you-owe-me whenever I've asked and they've helped. He will not expect anything from me. He will not get angry. He will not make me feel guilty as he helps. He will not make me feel helpless.

These reactions are so hard to unlearn.

And today I feel good.